I DON’T KNOW IF I AM AT ALL

Often times I find myself repeating the same sentences to myself,

I am angry,

I deserve more than this,

This isn’t fair to me,

I am angry.

In the pretext of this situation, I must proclaim that I do not fully know how to explain myself, and for that reason nobody understands me. Or so I like to believe, to remind myself that I am still special in some way. Whatever way.

Often times I find myself repeating the same sentences. I am not too sure why I do this. I think it’s because everytime I have bothered to let someone into this weird head of mine- it’s lead to complete and absolute chaos. You do not fight darkness with darkness and you do not fight wolves with moonlight.

I hold on to the terrible things. It’s a bad habit, but it does not leave and I do not make it.

I do not know how communication works

Do I let the thoughts bleed out of me or do I shape them first? Do I apologise for their existence or do I snatch them back once released?

I cannot remember the last time I opened my mouth and meant what I said. I cannot remember the last time a conversation didn’t end with a ‘why’

This isn’t what I taught me I cannot go back to who I was and I cannot figure out who I want to be If there was a metaphor to describe what this is like, I think it would be

I’m a grenade asked to pass through the neck of a milk bottle

A wooden splinter caught between nail and skin

A bullet stuck mid-air

I waver between living and barely breathing

I don’t know if I am at all

Or if

I am,

hardly.